Now this movie was iffy to me at best… It looked like something it could never live up to, and the plot had a hint of rotten dog parts long before I bothered to see who played in the starring roles. To my surprise, Bill Mosley was one of the first names to pop up. As some of you know, Bill has a sizable fan base in the horror genre, with classic roles like Chop-Top in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Army of Darkness, and Night of The Living Dead 1990. More recently he portrayed Otis Driftwood in House of 1000 Corpses and Devils Rejects. These facts alone proved the movie worthy of my consideration. Next is Michael Madsen, although an iffy prospect in himself, seeing how he has appeared in a mammoth amount of film and television, and not all of it good. Yet he has portrayed some of our more classic cinema villains, most notable is surely Vic Vega the one and only Mr. Blonde in Quentin Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs. Which one of us hears "Stuck in the middle with you" and doesn’t think of oddly playful mutilation? I know I do. But the meat of the movie is played by various names I can’t remember, with credits including Hansom Fellow, Female Radio Voice, and Paramedic Niki. Exciting... I know.
So with strong trepidation and morbid curiosity I rolled the dice and dug the opening credits. I will say I was fairly surprised when the first scene in the film didn't look like it was shot with an old VHS camcorder. Although the events taking place were fairly cliché in the ever widening tide of terrible American horror films. Directly hereafter we are introduced to our protagonists of the film, Handsome Fellow and Female Radio Voice. They are a couple suffering from what many couples who survive a child face, the cold feelings of resent and blame that eventually tears the union to pieces like a pack of desert hyenas. This does not mean I like them... In fact I was sick of them in seconds. Not to say they weren't good actors, you just couldn't tell behind such bland writing. We've heard these two argue before, in a trillion other movies, to the point where you can almost pantomime the entire sequence, but I felt compelled to keep at it in hopes of the antagonists’ grand entrance. The couple is on their way to marriage counseling somewhere in Alabama, maybe Montgomery when they decide to turn back and end up striking tractor parts and effectively getting themselves stuck just down the road a stretch from the Wayside Inn. Who's proprietors Betty an absolutely bat-shit crazy woman played astoundingly by Leslie Easterbrook of the Police Academy Series (Google her if you're not familiar and you’re guaranteed a smile). Also her son Pete the well-dressed sex pervert of the family played incredibly well by so and so, almost to the point that I started getting the feeling he was watching me out of the corner of his eye. Rounding it up is Stewart played by Bill Mosley, whose character was in my opinion 'whatevers' at best. At the Wayside Inn we are introduced to another couple stranded over night with them in the company of this twisted family.
Shortly after dinner shit hits the fan in the form of a local legend named 'Tin Man'. He is apparently a psychopathic who killed God and likes a nice cold tin mask flush to his face when he does his killin'. Ridiculously, the family is well aware of the Tin Man and his off color activities so much so that they have every window and door secured with giant metal grates and lock arms. The plot gets even sillier when we learn that the house reads your innermost shame or fear and exploits it, showing our characters painful or terrifying flashback-esque backstory.
Sort of reminds me of Event Horizon... Oh right.
Couple that with fact that the Tin Man can speak to our protagonists via the haunted house, and it starts looking like by the end of the film all the characters could be dead in some outer space nightmare tormented by a Bio-Exorcist named Mike Keaton. However the movie does stay true to trying to hold a solid creepiness throughout. The set design is too bomb, blending the polished southern interior of the upstairs with the mental hospital like cavernous basement seamlessly. Never once letting you forget that you’re in a shit load of trouble. Throw in some black fog oozing out of the houses inhabitants, doppelgangers, and rune smeared pentagrams you have a pretty entertainingly ridiculous film.
At no point in this movie did I say to myself "Gee, what a great movie this is"… The ending is inexplicable and somehow done before, as with almost every aspect of this movie. The writers must have just gotten trashed one night and thought up the most ridiculous situations you can stuff into the classic framework of a haunted house/twist ending framework. I wish I was there that night... I would have drunk Ancient Age and convinced them to come harass the night instead. Frankly it would have been a safer bet.
Although the movie isn't terrible, it’s still pretty bad, but it does have moments when it acts like what it’s supposed to be. It was worth a watch through I guess and I'm writing this review so hey.... Maybe you'll like it....
On the Clydesdale scale I give this movie an 8 star.
Rhipt Fuel: Grahammies- A Sativa infused 4X brownie in a graham cracker crust.
Rhipt Viewing Rating: 1/5
*Try getting super rhipt maybe get a whole different perspective on shit.
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